Passing through life

This is me letting go...

2009-04-14T19:44:00.000+08:00

Yes, I have always said I would let go and such... but now truth slapped me thrice.

i would not make this hard for myself anymore. please just let go of me.

i don't need this.

thank you for everything.

Bitchin about WORK

2009-04-04T10:00:00.000+08:00

i would never know if i should be happy it was my day off or not! here i was, my head still dazed because of booze intake... which was by the way due to how many days i have been drinking! shit! never had a drink in the first place! well, where was i..... oh yeah... i received this freaking SMS from one of my very good friends at work!

"J, DJ and Jeremy were looking for you. I am really not in the mood right now. Just be careful."

What the fuck?!!!!!! Managers looking for moi?! and not only that!!!!!!!!!! THE operations director himself! What did the fuck I did this time?!!!!!!!!!! So right now I'm sweating like a pig... literally! Weekends are their day offs!!!!!!!!! I can't wait for Monday to get my ass chewed out! good luck to me!

I really need to get to the bottom of this! seriously! i'm freaking out!

Back Again

2009-03-24T05:26:00.000+08:00

Been gone for a while. Mind blank and devoid. Just needed to have a break from everything and now I'm back again!

Thank God.

A Bit Of This And A Bit Of That

2009-03-14T02:19:00.000+08:00

What's the hell is wrong with me?! I promised myself never to get involved with someone who is already involved! And here I am, AGAIN, eating my puke-based words!

I just can't seem to help myself even with everything going on with my life. Just meaningless sex? I think not.

I try to do things again to the point of exhaustion. I just came from an airsoft tournament and now I am currently enrolled in the gym. So since I'm in the graveyard shift, with the ending time of 7 in the morning, I go directly to the gym for three fucking hours without sleep!

But then again! I still have time to frolic and have sex with this unattainable guy. And not only that! I'm not faithful to that guy! Borrowing his expression.... PAKSYET!

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I commit? I need to clean out my life.

From Bora and Back to Cebu

2009-02-14T08:26:00.000+08:00

I'm just so busted right now.... Tired from vacation. Met some people. But Boracay is surely the best place to be to unwind and forget reality. ^_^

Paging: Boyfriend Material

2009-01-12T19:42:00.000+08:00

so ok... I haven't been the best person for 2008! I was never serious with any guy. My friends think that I can't commit to a person. so for my resolution for 2009....

I want a serious relationship. Someone to be with. Someone I could love and cherish...

Paging all Boyfriend Material!!!!! Please Proceed...

P.S. I'm serious!

Wow....

2009-01-11T16:39:00.000+08:00

I'm just glad I saw you guys again.... ^_^

No Pain, No Glory

2008-12-15T15:16:00.000+08:00

I just got back from the Second Leg Of Gov. Gwen Garcia Airsoft Tournament. The games were intense and nerve racking! But it was so much fun! 14 teams were competing for the Grand Prize of 20,000 pesos!

I'm proud to say that even though Sage did not enter the top 3 spots, we were able to bag a SPECIAL AWARD: BEST IN SPORTSMANSHIP!

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so proud to belong to this outstanding team who knows the word FUN!

P.S: Pics will be updated later.

Back To The Same Old Me

2008-11-24T12:57:00.000+08:00

I'm back to my old self. Same old things, same old happenings. There is still this bitter taste in my mouth though after every incident.

Love was, is and never be part of my life. I find myself old now. It's just a fairytale. An Illusion. Sometimes we just need to wake up and realize that if it's never meant for you then it's never meant for you.

I saw his status in friendster... from it's complicated he is now into a relationship. I won't begrudge him of his happiness and I'll never will.

I'm not into married men ok? Sometimes though... you just need that care and affection even just for a while... with married men they can give you that and so much more! Plus the fact that after everything they won't expect something form you. No attchments. No fear. I'm not being chocked by any of them. The guilt though is there... Believe me, you will live through it.

Sex Is Not The Solution

2008-11-22T02:40:00.000+08:00

Whoever said that sex would be the solution to problems was dumb and I'm dumber for believing them. ^_^

Libido crisis is over. Performance to the max. Just that different people, different feelings (if i ever have one).

Officially I'm older now :(

2008-10-22T08:35:00.000+08:00

As what they say the older you get the wiser you should be...

I don't think so. I'm still stupid enough to wait if he would greet me or not...

It is over. I just don't matter to him as much as he matters to me ^_^

Sick.

Karma is a Bitch

2008-10-17T05:50:00.000+08:00

The first time I have ever invest into something big and it got stolen! Whew!

I just could not believe that this things actually happen. Okay. It's my first time! My lovely phone with a good camera resolution got stolen.

Bought a new one though. Shit! It just pains me to think about my carelessness.

===============================================================

I've never been more crushed in my life.

" You are the reason why the team's sense of camaraderie vanished. You brought the jinx into the team."

These few honest words pierced through me with startling clarity. I have been hanged by the judge and jury without any trial just because the girl was my friend.

I was never given a chance to defend myself just because she was my friend.

" Tell me who you are friends are and I will tell you who you are."
" Birds with the same feathers flock together"
" Actions speaks louder than words."

That is the foundation of all things. The gist of what he said.

If my friend is thinking things like that about me what about other people...

Just got me thinking... Duh. Like i care about other people. The past is still haunting me.

I need Ghost busters!

Almost a year older...

2008-10-11T22:57:00.000+08:00

A few more days and I'm going to be a year older now... A year... and I didn't even notice it.

I didn't graduate. Still stagnant on what to do and what to take. Or am I going to finish my previous course.

I applied for a job. Found new friends and acquired new enemies. Life would be boring without them.

Experienced being with the top people and being the number one in a surprising way. Applying for this job was just a "band-aid" for the failure and disappointment i felt on my educational attainment area. I was not planning on being here for almost a year now. But surprisingly, I feel at ease and tackle challenges here graciously. I feel more fullifilled.

In this year, I did not pursue any relationships at all. Yes, there are gossips, I admit. But in the long run it wasn't just right. Not right in a sense that I feel nothing at all.

This year I got tired of playing. I've been to hell and back but experience taught me to weight more decisions carefully and that in everything I do there would be consequences.

This year I learned to love. Love and Hurt. I'm thankful for that.

Moving on

2008-10-11T09:43:00.000+08:00

Enough about the drama in life. Well if my sex life is achieving it's turning point then I better embrace it.

I'm happy. K actually asked me to be a part of the account's literature buffs. One thing I wanted to do with my life was to write about things that interests me.

I'm excited about that. I've always wanted to write, design and draw. It's the artist/critic/brooding side of me.

not everybody gets to see that, you know!

UPDATES:

* Joined VOICES and got to talked with The Captain.
* Pizza Party for P4P relaunch (Yum! Yum!)

Ciggy: NONE
Booze: NONE

What's wrong with my libido????

2008-10-08T07:58:00.000+08:00

Confusing.

I used to be passionate when it comes to bed. I don't like it when my partners are not satisfied. My orgasm is all in the mind. I get high when my partners reach their ultimate satisfaction.

But right now my sexual libido is in chaos. I can't function. I don't get aroused. Yep, even with my sexual intent. Every time i see him at work every night I can feel shivers running down my spine, literally. It's like electricity. The cat and mouse game we would play makes it more interesting and anticipating. But now something's really wrong. I don't get amused anymore. Nada. Nothing at all.

Every Saturday night, I would meet up with someone just to see if I can function well and to test my prowess again. Even with kissing... I can't seem to kiss them. It does not matter if they are gorgeous, beautiful or any sexuality. I can't do it. I feel... unclean. I feel I would disrespect him. You know... HIM. In the end we would just meet up with other people and jam with other people.

Maybe, it's all in the mind. But right now I think I don't have to push myself into something that i can't stomach. I guess I just need to relax and just be happy with what's happening.

CIGARETTE: 0 since the last update (yey me!)
LIQUOR: 0 intake (another yey!)

A new life of no ciggy

2008-10-01T11:50:00.000+08:00

First day of their trip.

Just engorge myself with three bags of very fattening Ruffles, Lays and Doritos.

Just got into biking and enrolled myself into gym class. Things you do for love and to improve yourself. Lols.

STICKS OF CIGARETTE: 0 STICKS! Dang!

LIQUOR CONSUMED: NONE! Double Dang!

Starting tomorrow: DIET!!!!!!!!! I FEEL FAT!!!!! EVEN MY MOM SAID I'M FAT! :(

Spend my birthday with YOU or not celebrate at all

2008-09-28T19:18:00.000+08:00

For the first time in my life I've fallen deeply. Deeply in shit. Deeply in love. It has been running three months now... going on four months. WOW! I can't believe I've held on to this feeling for so long now.

I wanted to be the one who would make him forget the other girl. Makes him forget his promise to that girl.But I also wanted to make him happy...I know I'm not his type. I am after all the complete opposite of what he likes. But I can't change just for the sake of it. Even for him. Because if I would then I would not be happy of who I am.

I'm just completely so bruised. So wanted to give up. But no matter how I try to make it go away... It just keeps on coming back. Coming back. And back again.

I just wanted to crawl and block out all. Everything about him. Just everything.I am so tired. So tired to the point I put my energies and do things to get tired. To the point of being not able to move my body because of pain. To the point of exerting an effort just to get out of bed.

and what's ironic is that I still wanted to spend my birthday with him and him only. Sucks. I know.I guess this would be love for me. Just Choi.

Shattered Illusions

2008-09-22T05:34:00.000+08:00

... Only time would Heal and fix a broken life due to Hurt and Pain ...

--- I'm waiting for that time...

Love + Pain= Numbness

2008-09-21T06:28:00.000+08:00

Pain can be numbing to the point of not feeling anything and then tears would flow without you knowing until you would taste the saltiness of a drop on your lips and then you would realize that whatever you do if it's not for you then it would never be for you.

I really don't care what people would say. I'm not jumping from one person to another. I never said i loved those people. Yes, maybe i did have feelings for them. Not deep enough though to say that i fell in love with them. I never said i loved them in the first place. Yes, i get hurt. But even with friends you do get hurt. What's the difference with that?

This is first time i ever admitted to myself and to others that I do love a person. I love him to the point that his happiness is my happiness. To the point that I do everything for him; not to love me back but just to see him happy and that would make me happy in retrospect.

And then realization settles in. Pain, hurt and numbness combined. No, not because he can't love me back. I never did assume or hoped he would love me back. No surprises there. I never expected he would reciprocate any feelings i have for him. Never expect anything so you wouldn't get hurt in the end. That has always been on my mind from the very beginning when i admitted my feelings to myself.

Pain? Because i forgot about myself.
Hurt? Because i understand and accept the situation.
Numb? cause and effect of pain, love and hurt blended into one.

(just you Choi. just you)

Something about La-La Land...

2008-09-20T17:51:00.000+08:00

crazy. insane. weird. deranged. disturbed.

Just some of the few words they like using when it comes to describing me. I would describe myself UNIQUE IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.

Nobody can ever be like me. There are some similarities between people but if you're going to talk about me, nobody can be compared to me. Not even a bit.

I'm just way out of everybody's league. Nada. Zilt.

( I miss you Choi)

Unadulterated Surprises

2008-09-17T12:32:00.000+08:00

whenever you give someone a gift, expensive or not, the most satisfying thing in the world is when that person would appreciate the things you did.

there are times when i want to do something for someone, i just want to do it anonymously just to see the unmasked reaction on that person's face. the last time i did this kind of surprise was the most satisfying of all. the glow of his smile, the reaction, the laughter... i would never regret i did it for him. his reactions were probably the most enjoyable and flattering thank you gift i ever received.

and the best part is, i never told him anything at all. and nobody told him anything at all.

Honesty is the best policy

2008-09-16T02:55:00.000+08:00

1) What is the hardest thing for you to say?
... the word NO.

2) What do you want to receive on your birthday?
... being with him is enough

3) Reach your hand out to the right. What do you touch?
...CHAIR

4) What time did you sleep last night?
..just came from work :)

5) What's the wallpaper on your comp?
...my team pic

6) What can you hear besides the computer?
... Music playing

7) What is your favorite line to say when bored?
... i just sigh...

8) When was the last time tears started to roll down your cheek?
... last sunday... he went back to cebu

9) The last person you were on the phone with?
... Rodz

10) What makes you frustrated?
... right now? unanswered questions in my mind

11) What song you listening to?
... a song from Paramore

12) Current mood?
... numb

13) Who will you turn to if you have a huge prob?
... myself

14)What's ur favorite song at the moment?
... Vulnerable

15) What was the last song that kept ringing on your mind last night before you sleep?
... sound of my eu's voice, told u i was at work

16) What was the best event that happened last year?
... i forgot...

17)Where have you been today?
... Sykes

18) Last thing you ate?
... peach mango pie

19) Who are you with ryt now?
... Anne, Danny and Faet

21) Do you love sunsets?
... yes... there's beauty in goodbyes

23) What are your wishes for your birthday?
... i just wish to ve with him

24) Who do you wanna be w/ on the day of your birthday?
... with J

25) Have you ever felt that you've been taken for granted?
... always :)

26) Thing/s you regret?
... the course i'm in right now

27) Is there anything else you want to do besides answering this survey?
... yes. SLEEP: AIRSOFT GAMES: FLAG FOOTBALL

28) Question/s you hate that they ask you?
... i liked inconventional conversations

29) Chocolate cake or brazo de mercedes?
... i don't have a sweet tooth

30) How do you feel right now?
... again... NUMB

31) What's your plan next week?
... many plans... play games.. party.

32) Missing someone?
... always :)

33) What's her/his role in your life?
... my happiness

34) Have you hurt somebody in the past?
... i don't dwell on those things

35) The person who loves u most or the person u love most?
... BOTH.

Moalboal Escapade (Minalmalay sa Moalboal)

2008-09-15T07:56:00.000+08:00

Dang! Just got back from our escapade in Moalboal.

To start off, not all of us were able to go for this TB... four of my teammates to be exact. We were supposed to spend our Tb in Camotes island but we we're not sure about the weather and if the budget would be enough for the 13 people who would come in this escapade.

Jay-jay was there. He spent his birthday with us and I'm glad that he did. We stayed for two days and two nights. On the first night, we celebrated Jay-jay's birthday. He was able to blow his candle. I forgot how old he is...

But sad to say that he needed to go back to the city because his AM keeps on calling him. I guess they are also planning something for Jay-jay

Still we had fun playing games... relaxing... sleeping... stuffing ourselves... frolicking on the beach... getting sunburned and eying gorgeous babes and bums.

It was not complete for me though... I just keep on missing him. Don't get me wrong. I love being with the team always. There's just this part of me that just wanted to see him always. Sighs.

As what Danny said and I would quote it here " Roses are red. Violets are blue. This is how I say goodbye to you."

bitchin' around

2008-09-11T22:35:00.000+08:00

still at work and kinda sleepy. it's already 2:27 am in the morning and talking to customers. yeah. yeah. i know this is an illegal connection but i'm not harming anyone, ayt?

there's this girl in the floor who is really... i don't know the right word... she feels she's superior since her boy is a trainer... like hell! i'm with the manager. shoot.

friends? enemies? frienemies? is there such word? hm... you really don't know who your friends are... who your enemies are.. still this world is just made of two kinds of people. users and people who are being used. i'm part of the two groups... but mostly.... lols... i dunno.

i really don't know why i'm writing now. maybe i'm bored so i just keep on jumping from one topic to another. i'm tired. i want to rest but there are still so many things to... MOalboal excapade coming up and all...

/me sighs

Too much can be numbing

2008-09-07T16:20:00.000+08:00

point taken babe.

just because i always laugh doesn't mean i'm not hurt. the last straw has been made by you. hurting to the capacity of being numb and not feeling at all. if you're trying to distance yourself from me then so be it. it's not my nature to push myself to people who doesn't want me.

am i giving up? *sarcastic laugh

in the first place, there was nothing for me to give up since you we're not mine. yes we did this and that but you never said anything at all. even just in passing.

you just made my day. i understand now. Bon, was right. i never should have worn my heart on my sleeves with. now it got trampled on and spit at.

i was just wondering... did you do that on purpose?

What would be the best gift you would ever receive from someone?

2008-09-03T09:26:00.000+08:00

kinda actually weird...

i was talking to friends earlier this morning after work (yep, still not sleeping). a topic was brought to my attention by danny. this topic was brought up because jay-jay's birthday is coming up and i think i have the perfect gift for him.

What would be the best gift you would ever receive from someone?

it actually made me think and wonder. some gals would say jewelry... chocolates and flowers (eeww)... some material things that they can posses. danny said that the best gift she would ever receive from someone she loves would be a cat since she's a cat lover... you know, a kitten in a fancy basket... when she asked me that question i wasn't able to answer... material things? my dad can buy it for me. i guess a memory i could keep and hold on to forever.

it was quite a while before i was able to answer.... and for now... my answer would be..

TO GO SOME PLACE WITH THAT PERSON AND SPEND TIME WITH HIM. JUST THE TWO OF US. THE PLACE DOESN'T MATTER. JUST A VACATION WITH THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE WOULD BE ENOUGH FOR ME.

" et cette personne serait vous J *WINKS "

Je suis tellement mal et déprimé ( i am hurt and depressed)

2008-09-01T21:27:00.000+08:00

il est préférable que cette façon que personne ne puisse comprendre ce que je me sens pour le moment.

i am so fucking blessée et déprimée. est-ce vraiment honteux de dire à la personne que vous aimez que vous l\'aimer autant ...? mes amis m\'a dit que c\'est le plus courageux chose à faire.

son bestfriend m\'a dit qu\'il est honteux

better to let him know than being in the dark for eternity

2008-08-31T18:05:00.000+08:00

geez... nothing compares when you're under the influence of alcohol. you tend to tell people you're deepest, darkest secret. mine? that would be falling for the guy nobody thought i would fall for.. i dunno. i'm just so confused right now. i get jealous with him going out with another girl to the point that i lash out at him. be mean to him. i don't have the right... am i correct? i know i don't.

but in the end i texted him what i felt. he did not reply but that's ok. at least he knows about it. amd i don't have to pretend anymore. thank you for being my happiness right now. i do love you but i don't want to hurt you or hurt myself in the process. i love you... J.

no more sorrow

2008-08-29T18:30:00.000+08:00

pathetic.

i never knew that i would be seriously considering my feelings for you.

pathetic.

i did everything just to let you see how much you mean to me.

pathetic.

i saw you happy with that girl, so i\'m backing off right now.

pathetic.

hurt is eating my whole being right now. numbing me in every way possible.

pathetic.

can\'t you hear me screaming inside? can\'t you hear me begging you silently just to listen to me and love me even just a little... more than a little sister..

pathetic.

i guess not. i would not beg no more. no more. no more. no more.

maybe if i would say it more than once then it would come true that i would not love you anymore.

no more sorrow

2008-08-29T18:28:00.000+08:00

betrayal... is there an explanation for it?

2008-08-27T07:17:00.000+08:00

these past few days has been hell for me. yeah, another ranting of a drama queen.

betrayal is such a devious bitch. you just wouldn't know when and how it would hit you. you may think and do everything for your friends but in the end all is not worth it. is it just too hard to understand that even though you didn't mean anything about what happened, still the hurt and damage would have been there? is sorry really enough? never would i have imagined crazy things can be done by people you actually open up your life to.

i do understand. but there is a big difference between understanding and accepting. in time, i may be able to reach out to you but right now the wounds are still too fresh to bear with. if i have known in the first place that you guys were actually seeing each other, i wouldn't bother to protect you girl. everything started because of that. i just wanted to protect you. big brother just wanted to protect us. but everything got out of hand.

i'm just so pissed off right now for the fact that i took part of your games. both your games. when i invited you.... you didn't bother to tell me that you already know about the invitation. i swallowed all the bullshit you told me: hook, line and sinker. are you laughing at me right now? are you laughing at us? because you know what, if you should have just told us that there's actually a game going on then what the hell! we would play with you! but instead, i gave you my respect, comforted you, introduced you to the people i know you would be in good hands with, loved you and cherished you as one of my good friends. and you know what hurts most... i thought you cared for me too. i thought you needed me. i thought you would see me as someone you can trust on. i guess i was wrong. again.

and again, you know what hurts me the most? the guy you are actually going out with... he may have said that i don't know him but i assure you girl, i do know him. i do know what he's capable of doing. and you chose him over us. don't blame me. i gave you all i had. i already told you about him and gave you all the good advices i know. the ball is in your court now.

you may not understand why i, all of us, are hurting right now. but in the end, you will realize the betrayal and pain you have inflicted upon us. you would experience it also and see our point of view.

and the greatest slap of all... both of you gave agony: physically, mentally and emotionally, to the people who actually gave me hope, understanding and acceptance. to the person you know, who is giving me happiness and joy.

i may laugh to cover up the pain you left girl, but every time i see his eyes masked with hurt and anger... you just don't know how it would hurt me ten times more than before.

and i am praying i would see him smile again; to see the purity of it. no more hurt, no more pain. and to see him back with his old self.

Addicted to Airsoft games

2008-08-23T19:06:00.002+08:00

dang! it freakin' hurts!!!! but whatever!

i am so embarrassed!

to start off... after shift ( i admit.... lunch out) rhoi, danny and i went to Sinangag Express to eat and drink just one set of RH... not drunk but kinda tipsy since we haven't had any sleep yet.

we went back to sykes for me to log out and go with the sage people and play airsoft. kinda hesitant at first since i've been drinking. went in to talk to marky. he got mad because i was drinking, again. i promised him that this would be my last day to drink and smoke. and i havn't made that promise to anyone yet in my entire life. i promise people that i would try to quit but not really decide to quit. but with him... i just promised it directly. i am so gonna miss him.

rhoi was calling in the phone because i was late in meeting up with them downstairs... marky won't let me go but hey i already said i would go, right?

meet up with some people i know in this big old warehouse. kinda like the gangster movies you see in the tube. tried playing airsoft and damn! got addicted to it.

so right now, i'm planning to buy (hello daddy???) my own gun and gear. good thing dad is coming home even for just a while! hehehehehehe

body hurts but not as much as it hurts in football. got three hits in my body. one face hit but hey!!!!! it was all worth it. such an anti-stress reliever! *grinz

no regrets, no what if's

2008-08-19T14:40:00.003+08:00

whenever i think what we did, i would never regret the times i decided i would do it with you. not because i want to but because in the first time in my life i was able to experience such a thing and with the person who makes me happy right now! you don't have to be ashamed of. i don't have to be ashamed of. i told you how i felt. you know you're the one who makes me happy and not him, right? i may be tipsy that time but believe me... i knew what i was doing and was talking about. right now hon, i'm just so confused. not about what i feel for you but about my situation. with the other person... with people around us... with what you feel. we don't talk about what happened. we don't acknowledge that it really happened between us. what do you want me to do? pretend that it never happened??? again?

do you think that's fair? we're both consenting adults. just even the real score with me. you know i would understand, right? even if you would say that you like somebody else or that you only like me as a `lil sis or shumthing... you know i would understand it. it may be hard to accept but understanding is my forte.. and i would not love you less for that.. shit! did i just say love?!

do i? really know how to love? every time i see you, i just want to hug you and bury my face in your resounding embrace.

i'm tired of pretending that there's nothing wrong. tired of pretending about everything!

i need someone right now. you we're right hon.... i do need someone i can lean on... i'm about to scream my head off and just give up. when would be the right time i can say these line, "hey guys! it's my turn to be weak... i'm finally exhausted emotionally." and who would be the right person to say it?

are you willing to be that someone hon? i guess not.... i'm just a too much of a coward to ask you. chicken shit.

on the other side..... i finally have a shot of the people i call brothers... brothers, not by blood but by companionship and friendship.

so there's jay-jay, Bon-Bon and Bopeep..... wacky as ever! happiness and sorrow combined *wink

Many Faces of China and Japan

2008-08-12T17:16:00.014+08:00

so there... whatever.

recent events

2008-08-12T17:08:00.004+08:00

omg! top team again for the month of june for three lines of business! and what else is new but hang out with our managers and supervisors again and this time in Marco Polo.

such a fun time to be with people on the top. great food. great ambiance. great people. what a life.

as usual, it was a night to remember. especially after the dinner with the after dinner celebration with Louie and Jay. Meet up with some friends and just hang out and drink the night away.

just loved the thought of nothing to think about.

THE TEAM.... BEST TEAM EVER

2008-07-21T16:02:00.008+08:00

meet the greatest TEAM ever... though we are not complete, still the feeling of the being in this team is more than enough for people to be jealous about. There are new people here.... not originally part of the ORIGINAL team but we welcome them to our team with open arms.

<==== part of the original team whose now in DUBAI.... waaahhh... :(

Another part of the original team whose in BellSOUTH account now.... :(

i miss being with them... we don't have the same time as of now because of my too many extra curricular activities.

i don't know if they miss me too...

life in particular

2008-07-16T18:50:00.013+08:00

there are some things in life that you would think that it is acceptable and normal. i have learned the hard way. never expect anything and just go with the flow.

you may think people may understand you BUT the real thing are just too hard for them. they can't stomach it and puke it out again.

thoughts keeps on pouring out and my mind just needed that sought after bliss.

i guess i'll let the pics tell the tales that are needed to be told.

BOHOL TRIP

the team

waiting for someone

release him pls!

lurve it

when we meet

eat out

old fashioned

loved this pic

one of the nicest guy i met

never be deceived by people.

i've been a bad girl

2008-06-30T08:18:00.002+08:00

after so many months of being celibate... i did it again..

geez... it was not in my plans. but hey no regrets.

what i'm thankful of? the fact that after 8 months, the person who broke it was worth it.

actually, it was inevitable for the both of us.

some events...

2008-06-23T10:00:00.004+08:00

it has been tiring these last few months..

=- we made it to the top with three lines of business of course. first time in history for that company

=- i enrolled again and pursued my never ending fight with my studies...

=- a teamate moved to a new account... waahh.... i will miss him.

=- had dinner with the big bosses... whew! what a night... i will never forget that one especially the dance i had with HIM. yes, HIM.

=- attended the sykes party with HIM and some.. Bamboo was there also.

=- my feelings just keeps on developing... i feel like i'm sucha traitor.

=- i just can't stop thinking about him... i don't want to betray my friends and i just want to keep it to myself..

this is the only outlet i have about my feelings for him. i don't wnat to categorize yet since i don't want to have the cycle again. i want it to be real this time.

yes, i am falling.

moving on...

2008-06-02T05:44:00.003+08:00

i just went through a very rough time. i'm currently in middle base now. if i'm going to be honest with myself, i really don't know about my feelings anymore. still so unstable with everything. they are right, i am disturbed.

no problem with work. no real problems anyway. i get along with people there. there's still a little awkwardness though with P but it is understandable. i'm just glad that i was able to talk with him directly and he knows that i don't have any malice or whatsoever with him.

i'm always confused. there's this guy i like before P. but then the feelings just went away due to unknown reasons. and then this time... it's coming back full time. he is just the sweetest guy ever.

i understand him and he appreciates how i accept him. yeah we quarrel sometimes but just easy bantering. i'm not yet ready to post his name or even his pic here. or even to categorize how i feel for him.

i'm just happy that he is always there for me. and i guess it's too early to say this but Thanks anyways.

i love you

2008-05-09T10:15:00.006+08:00

this is a video i made for our team building in bajian. both good and bad memories are gonna be remembered.

thank you guys for letting us be part of your team. i'm so happy i've known all of you.

Updates:

yes, we talked. hurting yet it cleared my head and troubled heart. i will always be into him. but stop is stop. friendship is more important. love sometimes is just a waste of time being and space in your head. i'm not sour-graping. truth is truth.

maybe all of them are right. or maybe all of them are wrong. we may not know. but the bottom line of everything is that i would have the peace i wanted.

this blows.

sheeshh.... i just so loved it!!!!

2008-04-27T18:57:00.004+08:00

so my friend here just made something out of an ordinary photo..... i just soooo loved it!!!!

note to self: needs to have tutorial lessons on photoshop *evil grin

Updates:

so, he is back now. it was kind of awkward at first. we weren't able to have a real conversation. but then yesterday, unexpected things do happen. it wasn't planned or anything. L, D, C, P and I were the last ones to go home. so they decided to eat while D was waiting for someone. we went to Jabee to wait. at first, we were not talking but as an hour went by, he eventually started to warm up to me. we were just talking and it was a Good thing because B told me through SMS the other day that I had made my deep impression(not good) to P.

well, i'd rather have friendship than nothing at all.

just like what Sigmund Freud says, "the most puzzling thing about human beings are their conscious effort to be remotely connected w/ their object of affection even if it kills them slowly within." i'm actually being profiled.

depressed for four days now...

2008-04-23T19:29:00.002+08:00

i haven't seen him since last sunday. i am so freaking depressed. i know he is on leave.. but still... so i am wearing black since sunday. it suits my mood and state of mind. i may laugh on the outside but deep inside i feel empty. i wanted to call him so badly. but i am afraid he would reject it. there are so many what ifs right now. what if he would cancel my call... or worse ignore it. what if he would get angry because i called... or worse cut off our friendship. shit! the pain is so unbearable and dulling.

sometimes i wonder if it is worth it.. all the price i have to pay.

look mommy!!! i know how to do it!!! at last!!!!!

2008-04-20T19:05:00.004+08:00

i am sooooo damned late in everything. my interest right now is configuring photo shop... my first try with the help of D...... and i have here a result!!!!!!! congrats to myself.

oooohhhh..... we look so good..... hehehehehehe just LOVE it!!!!!!!

i'm going to try more thingS!!!!!

yesterday once more...

2008-04-19T21:21:00.002+08:00

so about yesterday...

D and I went to the mall to do some major makeover for her. well that was the main plan. but then plans were cancelled due to some very big reason(for me).

while we were eating on some resto, B, L, R and P went by.. so we just waved to them.. D and I thought that they would just pass by us since we all have different plans. surprisingly they backtrack and went in and chose this resto instead to eat. i was glad. i saw him... and.. well i saw him. i can't describe what i felt exactly.

they stopped by our table while R ordered for them. we were just chatting when B invited us to watch a movie with them. it was titled Forbidden Kingdom by Jet Li and Jacki Chan. we told them that we would think about it. they got their own table and ate their meal there. D and I were just chatting. so we decided to watch with them.. major makeover cancelled and planned it again for the next day.

the whole time we were together... we didn't talk... we just talked when we said our goodbyes..

i felt... hurt. and discarded.

i know i don't mean anything to him but... i rest my case.

as the song says "...i'll just keep on dreaming till' my heartaches end..."

until the end part II

2008-04-17T20:04:00.002+08:00

face it Maharet...

so i have a part 2 of my never ending saga...
but the characters are now different.
and this is just through SMS

(B) it's true girl, we really almost quarrelled over you...
(me) hello?? i didn't asked you or anybody to make a joke out of it or make fun him because of it
(B) nah... that's how it works... he is so fond of mocking people but he gets angry when he is the one being mocked
(me) i even told LC to stop it earlier. she just keeps on mocking us just because we're talking
(B) i think he is just afraid because he is gay and he really doesn't like the idea about you know what.
(me) change topic

well this is not verbatim.. this is just the gist of it..

right now were not talking. he looked really yummy today wearing that yellow shirt. for me he would looked good with anything.

i'm just really depressed right now. but never show it to them. they won't understand. and they have a longer friendship with him rather than with me. whatever.

a new beginning...

2008-04-17T19:49:00.002+08:00

so, i just cut my hair short. straightened it for that hell of it. kinda looks like this...

OK!!!! i admit it!!!!!! i actually chose this haircut because i loved the drama of it.. and he is one of my favorite characters. so sue me! hehehehehehe

one reason i also did a major change on my hair because i wanted to start something right and new. i wanted to be more confident on being me... someone you would like more and someone you would try to love. damn. who am i kidding.

until the end...

2008-04-15T19:47:00.002+08:00

(me) what do you think? should i court him??? i mean he is gay and all that but hey... maybe we don't know...

(L) do you really wanna know the truth? we almost fought because of you. he doesn't like it. he doesn't want to remember what happened. we almost fought over you.

(me) really? wow.

(L) i'm sorry but i need to tell you the truth about this situation ok?

(me) don't worry about that. at least i know and i'm not blind about the situation.

-= OUT =-

====================================================================

need i say more? sometimes you just need to give up even if it's early.. the fight hasn't even begun yet and i lost it already.

love sure is a roller coaster. sometimes you just wanted to do everything but what about his happiness??? what if his happiness means that you are not included on it? should you pursue it?

i'm out of my league once again.

By: Kahlil Gibran

2008-04-09T16:42:00.002+08:00

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh,
but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Woes....

2008-04-09T16:25:00.003+08:00

i am hurting again....

they made fun of me.

is it really that big deal that i fell for you??

i am sorry if this is causing you a great deal of inconvenience.

my emotions are now ripped apart.

i guess i will continue loving you in silence.

ravings of a drama queen

2008-04-08T16:50:00.005+08:00

it's not like i planned on it. it's not like i actually thought about it. it just happened. after 6 months of staying just above board i fell. i fell real hard again. i wasn't planning on telling anybody or you for that matter. it was just a spur of the moment. i don't know what happened to me. i don't know why i opened myself up again to this kind of emotions long buried.

you should be blamed. you should be hanged. i never thought i would feel again this way. i never thought it would go deeper. more than admiration. more than liking you. more than just thinking about you.

the signs were there. i missed you whenever i don't see you. just the sound of your sultry voice brought a smile to my face. just the mere touch of you makes me feel contented. there's always a hollow pit on my stomach when you don't talk to me. and now... today... worst came to worst... i actually felt an alien emotion just earlier. it crept up on me without even me knowing it. a bitch slap to my already emptied and confused heart. i actually felt a green monster gnawing at my chest when i saw you with her.

i will tell you now. i am insane.

2008-04-04T20:32:00.003+08:00

summer time has finally come.

will i find my summer romance now?

2008-02-22T08:44:00.004+08:00

the way you stare at me.....

the way you just make me melt...

the way you just smiled....

and the way your hand seeks out a hand other than mine

such bittersweet memories

2008-02-20T12:10:00.004+08:00

sometimes we build a facade or hide behind masks....

======================================

it doesn't mean we don't want people to know who we really are..

====================================

we just wanted to know who would be brave enough or who whould care enough to pursue who's really behind the mask

2008-02-20T09:10:00.003+08:00

now that our internet is back i will be more diligent on uploading things here.

======================================================

ok... last night i had my overdue valentine's date with my bestfriend...

we went to this massage spa first... sweddish is more awsome i tell you. thai is somewhat more on stretching... i was so completely relaxed and out of my mind... hm... maybe the plus factor was the massuer was qiute goodlooking to begin with. LOL

======================================================

after that we had dinner at Moon Cafe... yummy! eating wasn't much as fun since i was quite sleepy from the massage.. i just wanted to curl and sleep. hehehehehe thankfully my bff completely understand because he was having the same symptoms too.

well... got to work this 9 pm again... i'm thinking of doing overtime since there isn't much to do anyways....

==========================================

p.s.

there's something wrong with my spellcheck... oh well... i wasn't good with spelling in the first place. ^_^

2007-10-11T17:56:00.000+08:00

what i have learned today:

whenever you give your all it doesn't mean that he appreciates it. it only means that you need not regret what you have given because the best you had given was not enough for him.

love always comes for a price. either your heart, your tears, your whole personality and maybe your life. even if he wants to give it for free there's always a possibilty that intentionally or unintentionally, you will have to pay for it.

and most fo all

i learned when to fight and when to let go.

2007-08-19T20:41:00.000+08:00

blogger sure is getting big now.

i havn't been updating since there's no exciting thing going on. i will try to write more even if how mundane it would be.

it has been one year and one month now that i've been seeing him. he didn't change much though. but still i love the person and i will do my best to make this relationship work.

2007-05-21T16:58:00.000+08:00

somehow when you wern't looking, life passes you by so quickly that you don't have the time to just look back and contemplate at the things you have done. choices were made and some errors with it too. but if you're really going to think about it these choices they sometimes makes your life a living hell that all you wanted to do was get over with it and sleep through it and don't think about it.

honestly when i have problems, i always pretended to not think about it until the last possible minute. and then chaos loose and to hell with it.

it's been a long time...

2007-04-23T14:14:00.000+08:00

i haven't posted for a while. i will update more diligently now to enhance me somewhat low proficiency in writing and spelling!

well... it seems new changes are being made here. in fact everything is new in my life.

new things to be done. new goals and dreams. but still, just the same old drama in life. no wonder i don't succeed! Hehehehehe from now on, priorities first.

i'm gonna kick my butt and go for it without fear and hesitations!

2007-01-13T21:47:00.000+08:00

it never cease to amaze me that i still get hurt after so many time i've been into relationships. it just isn't right with the things he's doing to moi. but what irritates me the most is that i still permit myself to let him do it to me. i just can't get it out my system right now. it pains me, depresses me.

relationships really is just a wheel to turn. sometimes you're in the upper hand other times you just want to kill yourself.

A Lover's Letter

2006-11-29T15:00:00.000+08:00

To my baby,

first of all i just want to thank you for being so understanding.

i may not be your perfect girlfriend.

i may be so moody.

but still you swam through it all.

you loved me for who i am.

you cherished me like i was some pure crystal.

words would never be enough to thank you.

you saved me from my own limbo.

you saved me from all the devils of hell.

i promise you i will try my best to become someone you can be proud of.

a person you won't regret on loving.

THANK YOU

confusing....

2006-10-29T09:23:00.000+08:00

should i go to the one i love and loves me back or to the one i love and i'm really not sure if he loves me back...... ???????????????????????

2006-10-26T14:39:00.000+08:00

it has been a while...

moved to a new house.

new boyfriend.

another year. hell! i just turned 21!

thanks to everyone who remembered!

Luv y'all!

to whom it may concern:

2006-09-02T22:37:00.000+08:00

silently walking among mindless chatter,
gliding smoothly between praises and flatters.
not knowing which faces uttered an honest answer,
makes you sit, think and ponder.

does understanding always tagged last?
do we have to look back and smother the past?
aren't we friends through years and more?
haven't i done any good things before?

sometimes mind can be so narrow,
thoughts like this brings too much sorrow.
i am living in a life full of hatred and anger,
and even not one person can satisfy my devious hunger.

My MVP

2006-08-20T19:10:00.000+08:00

this guy who'se really someone special to me was declared the MOST VALUABLE PLAYER.

#10 Jerry Eric Victoria

Congratz!!!!!!! Luv yah King!

2006-08-05T12:11:00.000+08:00

i had been very busy that i didn't had the time to update my blog.

cheerdancing is taking up my time. uv'e got to meet lots of new people since my department (medical technology) has teamed up with two other departments, pharmacy and optometry. it's quite unnerving at first to dance with people you don't know. u tend to do you're best so you won't get laughed at by other people. but in the end, after many gruelling hours and days, there's a camaraderie between the three departments. the aim to win and to succeed bounds us together.

different new personalities are such a hassle to deal with. but when you know how to mingle and go with the flow, it's not so hard after all.

2006-07-04T20:38:00.000+08:00

it's so hard to move on. it's so hard to pretend. it's so hard to push through.

i thought i have learned many lessons in the past. not to fall deeply for a person. to have a standard in choosing someone. but this text message was right... it says "you don't choose someone you love because of his looks or brains. it's not a beauty pageant." correct. i didn't. i thought i learned never to give a 100%. never to make that person the center of my world.

but as usual, i'm just plain stupid. i ate my words again. even if i told myself so many times to move on i'm still thinking about Elbert. i'm still longing for him. i still keep on entertaining thoughts about him and me. i almost always need to control myself to talk about him. everytime i see him i just want to hug him tightly and just hold on.

he's not gorgeous or what. he doesn't have this great body i could drool on. he doesn't have the brains to challenge me to think more.. unlike bebeh that i need to think my replies deeply. honestly speaking, he doesn't have the X factor that usually makes me glance. let's just say he is one of the introvert types... a person i seldom get along with. oh, i'm not degrading him.

maybe i'm just intrigued by him. maybe because i can't have him made me fall hard. i don't know. i'm confused.

i can never admit that i love him so much. it's too much to handle. i already told him he is one of my bestfriends... another stupid move? if i won't do that, our friendship won't survive.

i miss him so much. i just so miss him.

i'm still loving him in silence. and i can't bear it any longer.

second Kawasan trip

2006-06-15T11:31:00.000+08:00

we had a last minute summer vacation. since not everybody went with us to Kawasan falls the first time, they decided to go back there. eight of us went back to explore the hidden paradise again.

the trip itself was simply exhilarating. we needed to ride a bus from the city to the destination itself for three hours or more, depends upon the fastness of the bus. the sights on the way was somewhat a typical provincial country ride. but you've got to pass by beaches too since cebu itself is an island. at first the trip was boring since it was a little bit awkward sitting our butts off in an uncomfortable chairs. but with my inconsistent chatter the group became a little bit comfortable. laughing and joking around. reading this visayan newspaper since we're not that fluent with visayan materials. answering a visayan crossword puzzle which takes almost the whole trip just to answer it. singing some songs without really knowing the lyrics. the people in the bus were really happy when we got off. LOL.

when we got off we adjusted our stuffs and off we went to a 30 minutes hiking trail! whew! sweat was really gushing out on our bodies and the heat, not from the sun, was unbearable. it was definitely a workout! we got to climb some steep trails and cross bridges. all in all we were starving for food and relaxation when we arrived. we cooked our food (grilled style) and dug in to our delight.

after eating we rested for a little bit and went splashing in the cold water! what an enjoyment!

the day was a good one, if i say so myself. i'm not just fit for narrative writing. ^_^ i'm more into abstract writing. if there is such thing. hehehehehehehe

i'm just gonna post the pics when i' m not being lazy.

au revoir for now!

2006-05-30T12:26:00.000+08:00

FRIENDSHIP

2006-05-30T12:10:00.000+08:00

friends resides in your heart forever

2006-05-30T12:00:00.000+08:00

faces that could launch a thousand ships

late pix..

2006-05-25T20:18:00.001+08:00

some of the pics i promised. this is the second falls. after a 30 minutes walk, it was refreshing to dip in the freezing water

2006-05-25T20:18:00.000+08:00

this is the first falls. there were three falls in all. we went swimming in the second

2006-05-25T20:17:00.000+08:00

the girls enjoying the cold and clean water

such a sweetie...

2006-05-24T22:30:00.000+08:00

blogging is just so great. you meet many kinds of people. share different opinions. but the best of all is when you meet soulmates(yes i believe in it).

someone you can intimately share your thoughts with. someone you won't be afraid to talk back to or share your views with... i am so blessed to have encountered that person.

such a sweetie and a darling. i can't thank you enough for being there. i can't thank you enough for making me laugh. for sharing your stories with me even how mundane that thing is.

and you know what... i love everything about you.

Thank You, Jace. From the entire depths of my Hypothalamus. ^_^

a new dawn

2006-05-23T08:58:00.000+08:00

i am so over this things.

*sighs

we still saw each other everyday. and i guess i'm just so numb with everything about him because i just pushed it out of my mind.

i'm just so glad that i can go on with my life and continue living it to be a better person. i am happy though not contented (when was i contented?).

i haven't been posting pictures lately. grr... i don't have any photoshop! SHEENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! where the hell is my photoshop? LOL ok! i'll settle for a temporary thing!

send me! send me now!!!!!!!!!!! (demanding tone)

i love you, goodbye

2006-05-14T18:09:00.000+08:00

some things are better left unsaid. some things are better left underneath the rock. somethings are better left unturned.

anguish is killing me. hurt is surpassing. the gnawing feeling. the emptiness i feel. you may see that i'm happy. you may see i'm glad. but underneath all of this i just want to crawl and hide. but underneath all of this i just want to curl into a ball and hide my face, my anguish and hurt.

i'm not sorry that i love (yes, i love you still) you. i'm not sorry that you taught me how to be good. true. you know. because of you, i learned how to minimize myself. my outlandish ways, my irritating sexcapades and everything else not fit to be someone perfect. i minimized my bitchiness, my outspoken personality and nightlifes i was so fond of. i even told myself to lie low from being the damned queen. my oh so diva gay personality.

i was happy being me. but i was more happier being with you. i was more happier just to sit in silence with you and just stare at you and just let my eyes show how i love you so much! OMG, yes, i still love you so much. i may never say this to you again but I LOVE YOU. you may think that it doesn't matter since i say i love you to all people but give me some benefit of doubt. don't judge me. for what i'm feeling for you is real. and that hurts more.

you may love someone else and i hope you will understand that i may be smiling in the outside but deep inside i'm crying my wits out. someday i will look at you as a friend again. not as someone i love but just a friend but as of this moment let me continue on loving you.

IN SILENCE.

2006-05-13T19:14:00.000+08:00

well i was suppose to type a poem i made but i had lost it somehow! shit! so i will just write what i'm feeling now in layman's term...

i'm so fucking pissed off with you!!!!! you will never hear me again call you baby ever! fuck you! my eyes are so open now!!!!!!!!

^_^ there! hehehehehehehe i'm done! we are bestfriends.

nothing more nothing less.

2006-05-06T02:07:00.000+08:00

i'm so excited for my trip tomorrow. i'm going with my Bb to Kawasan. i hope tempers won't rise. ^_^ it's just that nowadyas we usually bicker over some mundane things.

i'm so happy being with you. i love you so much bb. azen!

i hope you will always be there to understand me and accept me as who i am.

nothing more and nothing less.

period.

2006-04-29T21:43:00.000+08:00

it seems like our friendship will always stand the test of time.

i would like to thank all of the people who supported me. through thick and thin. through good deeds and mistakes. through rough rides and silent waters.

you were there. you helped me in every possible way. in every endeavor i do you were there to give a guiding hand. a leaning shoulder. a helping ear.

to all of my friends, weather you can read this or not, i sincerely thank you with all of my heart. for whatever small or big things you have done for me.

i know not one can meet all of my needs but with every friend i have all my needs are complied. everyone has a special place in my heart.

and i love you all for that.

2006-04-12T21:48:00.000+08:00

everytime i spend my day with you i feel so happy! i love you so much baby!

things i have done:

1. i quit smoking! yep! at last! it has been quite a while since i last smoked. my withdrawal symptoms are showing but it's ok. my friends dares me and i never backed out on a dare. ^_^

2. i'm playing basketball again. with my dad and cousins. yep. though i'm the only girl i can still catch up.

basically, i'm just at home watching Naruto episodes. i'm done with it, by the way. i'm done with green green tv... hunter x hunter... hehehehehehehe i'm actually a youtube fanatic now. and limewire exclusive. i turn on my pc not to chat or check emails but to watch some episodes.

i'm with summer school now. i miss my baby since he doesn't have summer school but I've got to see him every week still. but i totally miss him so much!

i love you baby! i love you so much! i hope you are beginning to trust me. i love you!

au revoir for now.

2006-03-21T22:34:00.000+08:00

days rushed past me that i haven't made time to post or maybe i just don't want to post something. it really amuse me how i'm so different when i write something and what i let people see me in the outside. maybe that's why i kept this blog to let my other side show.

i got my grades and thank god i passed my hardest subject. i literally jumped for joy when i saw my name with the people who passed. B treated us to dinner. and no surprises he passed all of his subjects. now were gonna part ways. just thinking about it makes me miss him even more. i just can't believe how much i love him and i can't even let him know or show how i feel since i don't know how! stupid really. since i'm such a frank person but when it comes to what i feel for someone i just clam up.

how can i show you when in the first place i don't even know what you really feel for me. sometimes i feel that our feelings are mutual and sometimes i feel that your just using me because you know i love you. even if i don't want to proceed to medicine i'm actually contemplating to proceed because you want to be a doctor and i just want to be with you.

are you worth it? giving up my dreams just to be with you? i need security. i need stableness.

i need you.

au revoir.

2006-03-11T15:41:00.000+08:00

i know i'm making it more complicated for us. i can't say this to you personally since i'm afraid what your reaction would be. but believe me, i do love you.

im making a decision for both of us. i'm happy when i'm with you. and for all it's worth i don't know if i can fight for it.

why do i love you? i don't have any reason. it's unknown.

au revoir for now.

when time stands still

2006-03-09T16:29:00.000+08:00

reminiscing things sometimes makes you wonder how the hell did you get out in tough situations, fall in and out of love or gain and lose some friends. sometimes we wish things never change or things should get better than this or i shouldn't have done that thoughts but if we just sit and think for a while we would thank ourselves for experiencing those.

i'm just getting cheesy here after reading some memories i wrote in other people's blogs, testimonials and even after reading my thoughts in some old scratch letters i kept before sending it to people.

now i'm just amazed how my feelings are never constant. how i would feel this strongly for a person at a certain time and then it would evaporate after days, weeks, months or years. i'm talking about all kinds of relationship. friendship, flings, sexual encounters, sweethearts and complications. i don't want to say i'm commitment-phobia or an attachment freak. it's just that i'm flighty, never want to be tied to a certain commitment or choke a certain someone. no, i'm not afraid of getting hurt... maybe.

i'm also amazed how i can easily acquire confidants, good conversations and the feeling of togetherness. i seem to jump from one situation to another. i laugh a lot weather the situation may be good or bad. i seldom let people see me angry. as much as possible i want to control it.

*giggles... what the hell am i babbling about...

nah.. i'm just contemplating why the hell are my own friends thinking that i'm not serious with B. it's still bugging me, yah know. that's what they saw. and letting them see the baloney in it. then people are dumb if they believe the facade they are seeing. kevz.

au revoir for now. i luv B.

weird things just happen once in a while

2006-03-02T16:24:00.000+08:00

it all started with a simple glance on the beach. warm water lapping our body up. seeing each other again on the showers. both can't control their emotions. with a simple lip locking which turned into a more serious intimate adversaries. can't get enough with each other. hands prowling where heat is the most intimate source. licking everything away with those sweet lips of yours. then as time and space combined with ecstasy, passion is spent with eternity.

weird how that dream came back to me. first experienced that dream when i was still 15 years old. recurring dreams. just kept coming back when i was that age. don't know the guy that time. and it stopped when i was 18.

and now, it's here again. just last night. saw you again. and what's totally amazing is now i know who it is.

it's you.

au revoir for now. I luv B.

2006-02-20T18:01:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder what will happen now. sometimes i wonder what i'm going to do. sometimes i wonder what you mean. but then sometimes contradiction sets in.

although at times your smile means something. although at times your eyes are telling me. although at times your touch turns to a caress, i'm still confused.

am i making this more unbearable for the both of us?

i don't know what to say. my mind is a bunch of tangles. i guess it's pretty obvious how much you mean to me. come to think of it...

why did i love you?

and now your birthday is coming up. i still don't know what to give you.

i have given you everything.

au revoir for now. i luv yah B.

2006-02-20T06:37:00.000+08:00

just got back from a badly needed vacation. we went to negros, san carlos city. we meaning the whole family. az en all! cousins, titas, titos... everybody. we were eighteen on the trip. lemme start with friday.

FRIDAY, february 17

after the last tests for prefinals which was microbio and blood banking, everybody went home to change. we planned to go out that night. i wore this amazing dress(now i'm being girly here since i can't do that). yellow tube top and pink skirt. hahahahahaha they were just so shocked to see me in a skirt since i don't wear one when i'm with them. we met at a friend's house. so B was there.^_^ he was just speechless. after everybody was there, we went to this restaurant to eat. it was an all-you-can-eat resto. we had our fill. B and I were not sitting together since Ring was between us. but it was ok. he just kept looking at me and we talked like Ring wasn't in the center. he gave us his valentine's gift. he gave the other girls figurines and he gave Jing a small stuffed toy since 14 was Jing's bday. guess what... I DIDN'T GET ANY GIFT. amazing huh.

don't ask why. but it really hurt. but then since i'm such a good actress they didn't know how hurt i was.

back to this monologue... after eating we went to this karaoke bar. don't get me wrong. only B can sing a tune and we were like 13 people all together! so he always want to sing with me. and he sat beside me. hold my hand. i leaned my head on his shoulder. just being corny and romantic. it was 2 am before we departed.

and there was a goodbye kiss.

Saturday, february 18

i arrived in the house at 3 am. shook my siblings awake since we were to depart at 4 am. yep! you guess it. i didn't sleep. we went via toledo then rode a boat for two hours and the people who went before us got us from the dock.

yeah, i was definitely tired but very happy since i spent the night with B.

hm... we went around the city. boring. boring. boring.

oh yeah. we went to the cemetery because it was also the burial for the brother of my grandad.

huhums. i was just suppose to write about friday. ^_^ pics later.

au revoir for now. i luv yah B.

2006-02-14T06:54:00.000+08:00

Happy hearts day.

Valentines is suppose to be so much fun but i can't even go out with friends or a date since i'm gonna be having my prefinals tomorrow!

can't the day get any boring. you tell me.

au revoir.

2006-02-09T15:52:00.000+08:00

one of my happiest days and i can't write it! sheeshh...

i'm just gonna post the pics later. notes to my self.

" what is this feeling, i just can't explain."

au revoir for now.

2006-02-01T06:45:00.000+08:00

A Litany to B

What an enchantment it was

to know I had moved on.

When my heart flutters with

the mere mention of Adams son.

Oh! I haven't forgotten the pasts

I have encountered with,

Still the ray of hope shone

with a glimpse of a new seed.

And again destiny's wheels revolved

with this tedious cycle.

Would I forever be in the hand's of

fate's cruel triangle?

Would I forever choose between

the lesser and the greater?

For one would be bitter

and the other much sweeter.

Should I settle for friendship's embrace?

or would I turn my back and

be further humiliated and be disgraced?

Should I fight for love's vibrant kisses?

or should I sit in a corner and count all of my wishes?

But in the end I know whom to choose,

the beauty that makes you happy...

and then I lose.

2006-01-26T19:34:00.000+08:00

you just don't know how happy i am when i'm with you. the mere fact that we do things together makes me happy and scares me. it's just another cycle.

am i in love? or am i still in love with love?

i can't say if i'm falling because it's such a big word to use for something i'm not so sure of. you brighten my days without any effort. you make me smile. you make me feel contented. when i'm with you i don't have to think about my actions. i don't have to think of what to say. even silence is tolerable when i'm with you. a companionable silence. when i'm with you i don't need to think about my words or other people. you make me feel at ease. i don't think about other people when i'm with you.

you make me venerable. i don't know. i still don't know.
only fools wear their hearts on their sleeves.... so i guess you will never know.

2006-01-24T10:23:00.000+08:00

i turned the book on the next page. reading the sentences but not really seeing it. Sipping some scotch on the process. i needed to finish it. and it's three in the morning. the demonic witching hour. i heard some footsteps. looking up from my book i turned my head and waited for the person to emerged. no one. must have been the scotch in my head. the cavernous living room and i'm still awake. just me. lights dancing with the shadows. i eyes getting droopy.

*slap *slap

got to be awaked. got to be done with this. memorizing words i can't pronounce. sporothrica schlenkii... paracoccidodiodes brasiliences... blah blah blah. my tongue rolling on the words. can't even pronounce the shit and i've got to take the test. one whole book to memorize.

my fifth shot of scotch. huhums. and my most boring subject on my lap. what a way to spend last night.

and now got to review what i read. some still lingered on my mind. and some need to be reread. my brain is all fuzzy.

like the cinnamon powdered like colony of microsporum gypseum.

ta, ta for now.

so... i have been browsing.

2006-01-22T20:55:00.000+08:00

You are Carrie. Cute, quirky and intelligent, men
find it so easy to fall in love with you but
things always seem to end in tears. you're a
commitment-phobe and you find it really hard to
get over your exes. Your dress sense is to die
for and you blow most of your money on clothes,
shoes and cocktails. Gay men love you.

"A 'Sex and the City' quiz"
brought to you by

tagging....

2006-01-22T19:09:00.000+08:00

i've been tagged!!! :D by Valerene!

Four jobs you've had in your life:
-- student
-- spoiled brat(if u qualify that as a job!)
-- being an asshole
-- whiner

Four movies you would watch over and over:
-- Nemo (so i'm a kid at heart!)
-- Blade 1, 2 & 3
-- Harry Potter series
-- Sky High and undiscovered (steven straight is so yummy)

Four places you have lived:
-- Cebu, Phil.
-- Davao, Phil.
-- Manila, Phil.
-- in my room.

Four TV shows you love to watch:
-- Will and Grace
-- Only You
-- Lilo and Stitch
-- Fruit's Basket

Four Places you have been on vacation:
-- Singapore
-- Malaysia
-- Hongkong
-- Indonesia

Four Websites i visit daily:
-- blogspot
-- yahoo mail
-- gmail
-- friendster

Four of my favourite foods:
-- pasta (no red suace pls)
-- pizza
-- beef
-- anything with chili!

Four places i would rather be right now:
-- Europe
-- USA
-- Canada
-- beside M.....

four people i'm tagging:
-- Charles
-- Josh
-- Leo
-- Dean

2006-01-21T11:06:00.000+08:00

music playing nearby. it's melody and words haunting me.

"no one can take it away from me, nobody."

coldness grips me. surrounding me with it's suffocating embrace. people passing behind. their silhouette is imprinted on the fogging monitor. children playing nearby. sounds from their speakers are blasting. driving me crazy.

all alone. nobody to lean on. doors closing. Deafening in my ears. numbness on my fingers. i turned and stared at the person beside me. a smile forming on her lips. her laughter delightful in my ears. talking to me as if i'm worth it. turning back on her own. i feel blessed.

blessed with the gift of friendship. blessed for this life. blessed for such inspiring people.

just blessed for being me.

2006-01-15T10:10:00.000+08:00

so i have been neglecting this. and since i have been a little bit outmoded now i have a hard time typing everything. if the laptop isn't with me then i rent outside (damn!). funny how i carelessly shrug everything in the past. i'm not going to do that again. tsk. tsk.

year 2005 brought much happiness and bitterness in my life.

it was the year i have found friends and made some "frienemies".

it was the year where everything just seem to settle on it's place.

it was the year where too much stress and pressure arises.

it was the year where i become a coward.

it was a year where i learned to be strong.

it was a year where i made rash decisions that couldn't be reversed back.

it was the year where i became too much to handle.

it was a year where too much tears have been shed.

it was a year where everything, just everything, seems to be black and white.

it was not one of my good years neither was it one of my worst. i will definitely miss everything. our future isn't made if we won't look back at the past but i don't want to reminisce anymore.

to everyone i've hurt i'm sorry. it's really hard to say i'm sorry to the people you love.

fuck. aurevoir.

2006-01-11T19:06:00.000+08:00

this is suppose to be new year! everything just went downhill.

my computer is in the pits. we need to buy a new hard disk drive. whatever that is. i'm really ignorant went it comes to hardwares.
a friend of mine committed a suicide. how come? honestly speaking, the reason is so shallow that it's really funny why he did it. not that death is funny. after the nervousness i experienced with it, the situation turned out to be funny.
had a really huge fight with mom and sis. sucks, really. did something both will never regret.

i can't think of anything right now. it's just that i really need to update this. i will rewrite alter though. this wasn't suppose to be my entry.

aurevoir for now.

2005-12-30T22:16:00.000+08:00

You didn't love me at all. You fell in love with the feeling of being in love.

true, i didn't love you. i just gave you the best that i can give. i gave everything that is left of me. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. it didn't work out like we planned to. that was all i ahd to give. nothing more.

2005-12-26T16:38:00.000+08:00

christmas has gone by. it has been a wonderful week. the parties i had attended was such a boisterous affair. people greeting each other makes me smile. presents were given and accepted. you can feel the love overflowing.

but the best thing about christmas is when old friends greets you. people whom you haven't in contact with for quite a while suddenly emails you or texts you. it's such a wonderful feeling when people who had been close to your heart suddenly pops out from nowhere just to greet you this yuletide season.

someday hearts and minds alike will learn to forgive each other. someday old grudges will be set aside. someday love will overflow once more. someday acceptance will be freely given.

and i for one will be there to greet everybody with an open arms. for i am human. i make mistakes. but one thing human is capable of giving off is love and affection.

2005-12-21T22:21:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to you! happy birthday to you! happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday dear sister!

NATHALIE GAY PINZON