Passing through life

Wednesday, November 30, 2005



i can't breathe. the pain is so stingy. my hands are clammy and cold. i feel numb and thousand of pins are pricking me all over. i can't feel tears. i can't possibly break down. i'm freaking hurt! i feel dead inside. i need to be dead inside. i need to crawl and hide in the darkness. i need to vanish.


it's completely the exact opposite of what i felt last night. i feel i've been betrayed. i'm bad. i read his emails in friendster. just now. fuck! i can't think. i thought i was his best girl. i thought he loves me. i've been such a fool. i should have never believed him. but that's the problem. when it comes to him, i become such an ignoramus. i become stupid. an idiot. and he made me believed he had forgotten about her. oh, god! statements like "
ur still the best nd only girl i know that i met.. u are not disturbing me with ur emails cus its worth sending mails.. sending emails to u is like a habit of mine.. " pierces me more than a sharp blade does. you just made me the last dirt on earth.


why doesn't my tears fall? i'm crying inside. i want to slap it to your face. i was always the one who fought for our relationship. i was there when you needed me the most. you just don't know how my parents hated you. but i still continued our relationship because you were worthy. and you didn't even appreciate those things. you only appreciate that she sends you outside her house even if her mother doesn't want her too? you gave her cheap flowers which means you were sincere while you gave me a bracelet that means your cold. i don't need presents. i don't need fancy restaurants. did you ever hear me complain if you can't give me anything? no. did you ever hear me complain about your family? no. i was always thinking that you will be the best someday. i was always thinking that you will succeed someday. i always supported you on your endeavors even how stupid they were. i always supported you about your decisions. now i know i'm just a fucking shithead to you who is besotted by your charms. fuck! i can't get it out!

no, i'm not angry. no, i'm not mad. i'm just a freaking nothingness.

i just can't believe how much power you have over me. i thought all those months will cure me of you. but no, when you told me you still love me i immediately fell for those lines. and you also told her you still love her. (bullshit!) i even promised you i will wait. and you know what? in me, i know i will still wait because i've never lied to you.

and that's what hurts me most. you made me promise to wait when all those times you were feeding her the same lines. i was never over you from the first place. i became what i am now because of you. i'm not putting the blame on you because i know i am always the one to blame about everything. my only regret is i just loved you too much and i still love you too much.

Posted by LyZa :: 11:36 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005



i just don't know what to think right now. i'm feeling a little awed, happy, bitter and excited at the same time. i just don't have a teaspoon of feelings you know. it's rather amazing how after a one year and and almost five moths of breakup we met again and realized how deep our feelings are. i honestly still love you. you asked me to wait and i promise you... i will wait for you even for how long it takes.


thank you M for making me sane when JB was not there.


now i know that no matter how long our distance are, how other people came into our life, we will still be there for each other. i'm just afraid you will hurt me again. i trust you. and pls trust me when i say i will wait for you.

Posted by LyZa :: 9:37 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, November 27, 2005



to MGC:

i miss your kisses,
i miss your hugs.
i miss your laughter,
and i miss those shrugs.

i miss your smile,
i miss our talks,
i miss those sweet lips of yours.
i miss those late nights before going to bed,
i miss staring at you at the back of your head.
i miss those cuddles,
i miss the play,
i miss the person behind the face.

i miss our fingers locked together,
i miss when we do it a little bit further.
i miss watching you sleep,
i miss asking you "can u be mine to keep?".
i really miss everything that we do,
all in all i just miss you.

Posted by LyZa :: 9:17 PM :: 0 Comments:

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first of all I would like to thank Kuya C for a wonderful new template. i don't deserve it though. it's like so pure. i mean by using the color white... hehehehehehe. but it's really nice though. ok, i admit it. it's more than nice. kisses! i lurve it.


second, my mom got out on the operation for the bump she was having in her cervix. after that they had a cervical cancer biopsy. we will know the result after one week. there was a bit of a complication because she got highblood after the operation so she was detained in the hospital. but at least she is fine now. we still have to wait for the results.

third, i'm getting better scores now. it's this new self confidence i have. i can keep up with my subjects now with this new peace of mind. i'm just worried about the old channel though. something's happening and i don't know the real score. my mIRC is g-lined and i don't know what to do about it. i'm just hoping vecna will still be the chan manager. i haven't been chatting for a while now. and i'm quite happy that i'm not addicted to it anymore. it has taught me few lessons though like typing real fast. LOL.

it's great now. i'm more at ease. i don't have to compete with people. i don't have to be very stressed. juggling all at once. i'm a much better person now. thank you.

Posted by LyZa :: 8:04 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005



it's been what? a long time for me since i have written here. i'm sorry for neglecting you. i have been very busy with classes and my hectic schedule. adding subjects and changing schedules are just a part of the first week of this circus. but finally, i have found the schedule i liked and will be good on my part. enough about school. it's still the same as ever.


i broke up with someone last night. so we were not really the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship but let's just say we have an understanding that we were a couple. i didn't feel i was special anymore. i used to be the queen of his life. i know all good things last. and that's that. i said maybe a tear or two but that's the end of it. i know i sound unemotional but believe me that was really how emotional i can get. i hope he still consider me as his friend. no goodbyes, dearie. goodbyes are for losers.

on the other side, i'm confused right now. my mom is going to have an operation this coming monday. they may see me as someone who doesn't show her feelings but deep inside i'm crying for my mom. she may have convinced herself that i don't love her but she doesn't know that i really do. i can say it here because none of my family ever reads my blog and thats a good thing. emotions are such a powerful weapon to hurt you. i make it to a point that nobody sees me anything besides being happy. sometimes i blow up with anger but that's it. and it's very seldom. back to my mom... yeah. i'm really praying (though i don't know how) that she is not malignant. i still haven't told my mom how much she means to me. i still haven't told her how scared am i on losing her. i still haven't told her though i pretend to be strong, i am so weak inside.

Posted by LyZa :: 7:28 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Thursday, November 10, 2005



someday i will dream big. someday i will awe you. someday you will regret ever leaving me. someday you will beg me. someday i will be me.






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Posted by LyZa :: 3:48 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Sunday, November 06, 2005



it's what? one year and almost a month now. and i still can't (or should i say, i don't want) seem to forget you. how could i? when everything seems to remind me of you. when everytime i see people walking past me i'm still hoping it's you. when everytime some laughter reaches my ears, i'm still dreaming it's your voice that i hear. and you told me that i would meet someone new. and you told me it was just infatuation in my part. and you told me to cool it off because how in a world that someone like you would like a girl like me. so, u like guys (big deal). friends keep telling me to forget you. because you were not worth it. because you were someone i can't be with. because i am not your type of gender. because... blah, blah, blah. i went numb because of you.

enough of the drama.

tomorrow's the big day! classes all over again. it's actually my second sem. and what a hectic schedule it is! but i'm really excited with the new subjects. i'm definitely not gonna fail one major. i have my life planned out already. after my subjects i still got some internship to finish in one year. then i would take my board exam. hopefully i will pass in my first try. while at it, i will take up crash courses in french. then i will apply for a student visa for canada. i'm definitely decided to take up law. i'm gonna be working while studying there. i hope my plans will not be altered. i'm tired being the renegade in the family. it's time to take control of everything.

Posted by LyZa :: 7:02 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, November 01, 2005




Look at that. Two of my cushes. *sighs* why can't i have someone that yummy, ei?! Hm... I did have someone yummy, many times. I was just so busy looking at someone else. Life sure is ironic.Posted by Picasa

Posted by LyZa :: 2:49 AM :: 1 Comments:

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