Passing through life
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Spend my birthday with YOU or not celebrate at allFor the first time in my life I've fallen deeply. Deeply in shit. Deeply in love. It has been running three months now... going on four months. WOW! I can't believe I've held on to this feeling for so long now.
I wanted to be the one who would make him forget the other girl. Makes him forget his promise to that girl.But I also wanted to make him happy...I know I'm not his type. I am after all the complete opposite of what he likes. But I can't change just for the sake of it. Even for him. Because if I would then I would not be happy of who I am.
I'm just completely so bruised. So wanted to give up. But no matter how I try to make it go away... It just keeps on coming back. Coming back. And back again.
I just wanted to crawl and block out all. Everything about him. Just everything.I am so tired. So tired to the point I put my energies and do things to get tired. To the point of being not able to move my body because of pain. To the point of exerting an effort just to get out of bed.
and what's ironic is that I still wanted to spend my birthday with him and him only. Sucks. I know.I guess this would be love for me. Just Choi.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Shattered Illusions
... Only time would Heal and fix a broken life due to Hurt and Pain ...--- I'm waiting for that time...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Love + Pain= NumbnessPain can be numbing to the point of not feeling anything and then tears would flow without you knowing until you would taste the saltiness of a drop on your lips and then you would realize that whatever you do if it's not for you then it would never be for you.
I really don't care what people would say. I'm not jumping from one person to another. I never said i loved those people. Yes, maybe i did have feelings for them. Not deep enough though to say that i fell in love with them. I never said i loved them in the first place. Yes, i get hurt. But even with friends you do get hurt. What's the difference with that?
This is first time i ever admitted to myself and to others that I do love a person. I love him to the point that his happiness is my happiness. To the point that I do everything for him; not to love me back but just to see him happy and that would make me happy in retrospect.
And then realization settles in. Pain, hurt and numbness combined. No, not because he can't love me back. I never did assume or hoped he would love me back. No surprises there. I never expected he would reciprocate any feelings i have for him. Never expect anything so you wouldn't get hurt in the end. That has always been on my mind from the very beginning when i admitted my feelings to myself.
Pain? Because i forgot about myself.
Hurt? Because i understand and accept the situation.
Numb? cause and effect of pain, love and hurt blended into one.
(just you Choi. just you)
I really don't care what people would say. I'm not jumping from one person to another. I never said i loved those people. Yes, maybe i did have feelings for them. Not deep enough though to say that i fell in love with them. I never said i loved them in the first place. Yes, i get hurt. But even with friends you do get hurt. What's the difference with that?
This is first time i ever admitted to myself and to others that I do love a person. I love him to the point that his happiness is my happiness. To the point that I do everything for him; not to love me back but just to see him happy and that would make me happy in retrospect.
And then realization settles in. Pain, hurt and numbness combined. No, not because he can't love me back. I never did assume or hoped he would love me back. No surprises there. I never expected he would reciprocate any feelings i have for him. Never expect anything so you wouldn't get hurt in the end. That has always been on my mind from the very beginning when i admitted my feelings to myself.
Pain? Because i forgot about myself.
Hurt? Because i understand and accept the situation.
Numb? cause and effect of pain, love and hurt blended into one.
(just you Choi. just you)
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Something about La-La Land...crazy. insane. weird. deranged. disturbed.
Just some of the few words they like using when it comes to describing me. I would describe myself UNIQUE IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.
Nobody can ever be like me. There are some similarities between people but if you're going to talk about me, nobody can be compared to me. Not even a bit.
I'm just way out of everybody's league. Nada. Zilt.
( I miss you Choi)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Unadulterated Surpriseswhenever you give someone a gift, expensive or not, the most satisfying thing in the world is when that person would appreciate the things you did.
there are times when i want to do something for someone, i just want to do it anonymously just to see the unmasked reaction on that person's face. the last time i did this kind of surprise was the most satisfying of all. the glow of his smile, the reaction, the laughter... i would never regret i did it for him. his reactions were probably the most enjoyable and flattering thank you gift i ever received.
and the best part is, i never told him anything at all. and nobody told him anything at all.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Honesty is the best policy1) What is the hardest thing for you to say?
... the word NO.
2) What do you want to receive on your birthday?
... being with him is enough
3) Reach your hand out to the right. What do you touch?
...CHAIR
4) What time did you sleep last night?
..just came from work :)
5) What's the wallpaper on your comp?
...my team pic
6) What can you hear besides the computer?
... Music playing
7) What is your favorite line to say when bored?
... i just sigh...
8) When was the last time tears started to roll down your cheek?
... last sunday... he went back to cebu
9) The last person you were on the phone with?
... Rodz
10) What makes you frustrated?
... right now? unanswered questions in my mind
11) What song you listening to?
... a song from Paramore
12) Current mood?
... numb
13) Who will you turn to if you have a huge prob?
... myself
14)What's ur favorite song at the moment?
... Vulnerable
15) What was the last song that kept ringing on your mind last night before you sleep?
... sound of my eu's voice, told u i was at work
16) What was the best event that happened last year?
... i forgot...
17)Where have you been today?
... Sykes
18) Last thing you ate?
... peach mango pie
19) Who are you with ryt now?
... Anne, Danny and Faet
21) Do you love sunsets?
... yes... there's beauty in goodbyes
23) What are your wishes for your birthday?
... i just wish to ve with him
24) Who do you wanna be w/ on the day of your birthday?
... with J
25) Have you ever felt that you've been taken for granted?
... always :)
26) Thing/s you regret?
... the course i'm in right now
27) Is there anything else you want to do besides answering this survey?
... yes. SLEEP: AIRSOFT GAMES: FLAG FOOTBALL
28) Question/s you hate that they ask you?
... i liked inconventional conversations
29) Chocolate cake or brazo de mercedes?
... i don't have a sweet tooth
30) How do you feel right now?
... again... NUMB
31) What's your plan next week?
... many plans... play games.. party.
32) Missing someone?
... always :)
33) What's her/his role in your life?
... my happiness
34) Have you hurt somebody in the past?
... i don't dwell on those things
35) The person who loves u most or the person u love most?
... BOTH.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Moalboal Escapade (Minalmalay sa Moalboal)Dang! Just got back from our escapade in Moalboal.
To start off, not all of us were able to go for this TB... four of my teammates to be exact. We were supposed to spend our Tb in Camotes island but we we're not sure about the weather and if the budget would be enough for the 13 people who would come in this escapade.
Jay-jay was there. He spent his birthday with us and I'm glad that he did. We stayed for two days and two nights. On the first night, we celebrated Jay-jay's birthday. He was able to blow his candle. I forgot how old he is...
But sad to say that he needed to go back to the city because his AM keeps on calling him. I guess they are also planning something for Jay-jay
Still we had fun playing games... relaxing... sleeping... stuffing ourselves... frolicking on the beach... getting sunburned and eying gorgeous babes and bums.
It was not complete for me though... I just keep on missing him. Don't get me wrong. I love being with the team always. There's just this part of me that just wanted to see him always. Sighs.
As what Danny said and I would quote it here " Roses are red. Violets are blue. This is how I say goodbye to you."
Thursday, September 11, 2008
bitchin' aroundstill at work and kinda sleepy. it's already 2:27 am in the morning and talking to customers. yeah. yeah. i know this is an illegal connection but i'm not harming anyone, ayt?
there's this girl in the floor who is really... i don't know the right word... she feels she's superior since her boy is a trainer... like hell! i'm with the manager. shoot.
friends? enemies? frienemies? is there such word? hm... you really don't know who your friends are... who your enemies are.. still this world is just made of two kinds of people. users and people who are being used. i'm part of the two groups... but mostly.... lols... i dunno.
i really don't know why i'm writing now. maybe i'm bored so i just keep on jumping from one topic to another. i'm tired. i want to rest but there are still so many things to... MOalboal excapade coming up and all...
/me sighs
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Too much can be numbingpoint taken babe.
just because i always laugh doesn't mean i'm not hurt. the last straw has been made by you. hurting to the capacity of being numb and not feeling at all. if you're trying to distance yourself from me then so be it. it's not my nature to push myself to people who doesn't want me.
am i giving up? *sarcastic laugh
in the first place, there was nothing for me to give up since you we're not mine. yes we did this and that but you never said anything at all. even just in passing.
you just made my day. i understand now. Bon, was right. i never should have worn my heart on my sleeves with. now it got trampled on and spit at.
i was just wondering... did you do that on purpose?
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
What would be the best gift you would ever receive from someone?kinda actually weird...
i was talking to friends earlier this morning after work (yep, still not sleeping). a topic was brought to my attention by danny. this topic was brought up because jay-jay's birthday is coming up and i think i have the perfect gift for him.
What would be the best gift you would ever receive from someone?
it actually made me think and wonder. some gals would say jewelry... chocolates and flowers (eeww)... some material things that they can posses. danny said that the best gift she would ever receive from someone she loves would be a cat since she's a cat lover... you know, a kitten in a fancy basket... when she asked me that question i wasn't able to answer... material things? my dad can buy it for me. i guess a memory i could keep and hold on to forever.
it was quite a while before i was able to answer.... and for now... my answer would be..
TO GO SOME PLACE WITH THAT PERSON AND SPEND TIME WITH HIM. JUST THE TWO OF US. THE PLACE DOESN'T MATTER. JUST A VACATION WITH THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE WOULD BE ENOUGH FOR ME.
" et cette personne serait vous J *WINKS "
Monday, September 01, 2008
Je suis tellement mal et déprimé ( i am hurt and depressed)il est préférable que cette façon que personne ne puisse comprendre ce que je me sens pour le moment.
i am so fucking blessée et déprimée. est-ce vraiment honteux de dire à la personne que vous aimez que vous l\'aimer autant ...? mes amis m\'a dit que c\'est le plus courageux chose à faire.
son bestfriend m\'a dit qu\'il est honteux
