Passing through life
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
i can't breathe. the pain is so stingy. my hands are clammy and cold. i feel numb and thousand of pins are pricking me all over. i can't feel tears. i can't possibly break down. i'm freaking hurt! i feel dead inside. i need to be dead inside. i need to crawl and hide in the darkness. i need to vanish.
it's completely the exact opposite of what i felt last night. i feel i've been betrayed. i'm bad. i read his emails in friendster. just now. fuck! i can't think. i thought i was his best girl. i thought he loves me. i've been such a fool. i should have never believed him. but that's the problem. when it comes to him, i become such an ignoramus. i become stupid. an idiot. and he made me believed he had forgotten about her. oh, god! statements like "ur still the best nd only girl i know that i met.. u are not disturbing me with ur emails cus its worth sending mails.. sending emails to u is like a habit of mine.. " pierces me more than a sharp blade does. you just made me the last dirt on earth.
why doesn't my tears fall? i'm crying inside. i want to slap it to your face. i was always the one who fought for our relationship. i was there when you needed me the most. you just don't know how my parents hated you. but i still continued our relationship because you were worthy. and you didn't even appreciate those things. you only appreciate that she sends you outside her house even if her mother doesn't want her too? you gave her cheap flowers which means you were sincere while you gave me a bracelet that means your cold. i don't need presents. i don't need fancy restaurants. did you ever hear me complain if you can't give me anything? no. did you ever hear me complain about your family? no. i was always thinking that you will be the best someday. i was always thinking that you will succeed someday. i always supported you on your endeavors even how stupid they were. i always supported you about your decisions. now i know i'm just a fucking shithead to you who is besotted by your charms. fuck! i can't get it out!
no, i'm not angry. no, i'm not mad. i'm just a freaking nothingness.
i just can't believe how much power you have over me. i thought all those months will cure me of you. but no, when you told me you still love me i immediately fell for those lines. and you also told her you still love her. (bullshit!) i even promised you i will wait. and you know what? in me, i know i will still wait because i've never lied to you.
and that's what hurts me most. you made me promise to wait when all those times you were feeding her the same lines. i was never over you from the first place. i became what i am now because of you. i'm not putting the blame on you because i know i am always the one to blame about everything. my only regret is i just loved you too much and i still love you too much.
